I’m new at this, but I still can’t believe I did that. I’ll never be able to un-suck that dick. But I sure wish I could.

Did you know that cocaine is only white? I thought it came in different flavors. And I thought it came in little straws with writing on them. God dammit, why didn’t I read the fine print?

Has anyone else ever confused Pixy Stix for coke? If so, I would really appreciate some moral support, because I’m seriously thinking about killing myself.

I KNEW I should have done more research before I decided to start doing coke. How come there isn’t a “Freebasing for Dummies” or “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Not Sucking a Dick For Children’s Candy” book? I really could have used something like that two hours ago.

Does this mean I’m gay? Oh shit. There’s no turning back now, is there?

Why couldn’t I just be happy with my life? I’m in middle management at a toothpaste manufacturing plant, I get into decent clubs and have had my share of women. I just thought drugs would be the icing on the cake. Now I’ll never be able to eat eclairs again.

Does anybody else smell bleach?

Maybe there’s a lesson here. If I figure out what it is, I’ll let you guys know.

Fuck.

Dear Flabby,

I’m a chronic bedwetter do you have any advice for me on how I can stop wetting my bed.

P in PA.

- Pee, I’d try and eat some pizza before bed. It’ll help. I don’t know this from experience, but you’ll wake up not as hungry.

Dear Flabby,

I fear that my husband has been cheating on me. I found lipstick on his collars and hickeys on his penis. I’ve confronted him but he denies any affairs. Should I worry, or should I trust him when he says he is faithful?

- Fearful in Austin.

Austin, don’t trust him. Break off your relationship and then proceed to you local Cafeteria or buffet. Eat until your sides ache, then eat some more. Shoney’s Big Boy has a great Chocolate Omelet meal that is to die for.

Dear Flabby,

I’ve been gay for as long I can remember. I’ve even removed my closet door, that is how open I am about my gayuality. My question is this, I’ve recently be attracted to my mothers friend. Everytime I see her I get a boner. She knows I’m gay and doesn’t mind running around the house in skimpy outfits or swim naked in front of me. Is this normal?

- Gay in LA.

Gay, no you are not normal. You are a homo, and your true instincts are coming through. Forget about pole smoking for once in your life, and tap that ass. Then eat a couple pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
Next to sex, Ben & Jerry’s is the bomb.

Future inmates that is.

LOCK ‘EM UP!

http://www.getdshirts.com/

Step 1
Get your own church.

Step 2
Paint this fucking mural on the side of your church:

Step 3
Die.

Step 4
Don’t get into Heaven.

Well played, New Life Friends!

Dead Celebrity Interview is happy to present a special interview with the famous celebrity Corey Haim.

DCI: Corey Haim. Let me just say wow. It is an honor.

Corey Haim: Thanks man. Good to see I still have fans.

DCI: Do you ever. Most fans out there are unaware of your death. Could you elaborate on how it happened.

CH: I’m not dead. I’m still alive. I’m still acting, and had a small part in David Spade’s. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star.

DCI: (laughs) Seriously, tell us how it happened. Did you crash your car after a Fast Getaway? You did have a License to Drive right? Wait were you Blown Away or did a vampire finally get you.

CH: Cute. No seriously I’m not dead. Yes there were times in my younger days when the drugs and alcohol almost caused my death. But to this day, “I’m clean, sober, humble and happy”

DCI: Well. Normally we interview dead people. Not sure what to do from here.

CH: Well we can talk about my future projects, or even talk about the old movies I did.

DCI: I suppose.

CH: You could ask me if I’ve heard the song by The Thrills, called “Whatever happened to Corey Haim?”

DCI: Yeah that will certainly keep the visitors reading. Give me a minute, I’ll think of something.

(Awkward 3 minute silence)

DCI: Okay, got one. One of my favorites movies growing up was Goonies. What was it like working on that movie, and is it true they are wanting to make a sequel?

CH: That was Corey Feldman, not me.

DCI: Oops, my bad.

CH: That’s okay, it happens all the time. We both were teen stars at the same time back in the day and even starred in about 4 movies together.

DCI: Corey, sorry but I’ve got nothing. Any chance you could OD or something. I have some blow in the back that I’d be happy to give you. Or maybe you could down all these pills, and chase it with some Scotch. Then we’d be happy for you to come back and start the interview all over again.

For months now my life has been depressing. I haven’t been in the mood to hike, ride a bike, or walk on a beach and kick the waves with my significant other at sunset. But now I can, ever since I’ve found out about Valtrex. Yes I have genital herpes, and Valtrex is a life saver.

Now I can hunt, hike, fish, bicycle, run, jump, laugh, sing, parachute, basejump, play twister, solve algorithms, cure cancer, bake, barbeque, and love. With no fear of my genital herpes getting in the way.

Thanks, Valtrex.

We have some shocking news to report. Late last night, General Mills’ most famous Leprechaun, Lucky was arrested for Driving Under the Influence. The California Highway Patrol pulled over Lucky on a narrow stretch of Highway 101, a couple miles outside of Hollywood. The car was originally stopped for excessive speeds. Officer Baker reported once they found out it was Lucky they were going to let him off with a warning, but Lucky started verbally abusing them.

“We first noticed the driver speeding, and pulled him over. When we saw it was Lucky, we gave him a warning and told him he was free to go. What can we say we love his cereal. But then he started shouting at us, telling us that we couldn’t have his fucking Charms.”

After the exchange of words the officers noticed a strong alcohol smell emanating from Lucky and his car. The officers then asked Lucky to step out of the car so they could perform a Field Sobriety Test.

“Lucky at first refused the test, then he tried to bribe us with autographed cereal boxes.” reports Officer Grossman. “He failed every damn test, horribly. I’ve never seen anyone this drunk.”

Lucky had Blood Alcohol Level of 1.4, way above the legal limit. A General Mills spokesman refused to speak on the matter, but did inform us that they will issue a statement soon. From what we are hearing it appears as if Lucky may be suspended from TV ads, and be removed from the cereal box.

Apparently M.A.D.D has already started a petition to have Lucky removed from the cereal. Because he is no longer a positive role model for the young children who eat his Charms.

The Trix Rabbit seems to be the only one coming out and supporting Lucky.

“I know what Lucky is going through. There have been times, I’ve had a little to much fun. Hell, there have been many a night where I’m shocked I didn’t get pulled over for drinking. It those fucking kids. I blame the parents of those children. You’d think they would raise their children on knowing the importence of sharing.”

Lucky was also unavailable for comment.

Oh hi. Sorry didn’t me to startle you. I was hoping you wouldn’t see me. What am I doing? Nothing. Just making sure you screen is properly secure.

Why? Well I’m the local screen repairman. And I, um, well, was just walking by and noticed it needed tightening. Actually no, I didn’t notice this is a 2nd floor window. That explains why there was a ladder just sitting here. My bad. I’ll go now.

No, I didn’t see anything. You say you were changing? Nope, didn’t notice. I was so focused on this loose screen, I didn’t realize you were completely naked, oiling yourself up.

Please put down the phone. No don’t dial 911.

I’m not a stalker, honest, Claire. How do I know you name? Um, well, I found a piece of your mail while I was throwing away some trash. Me, a Stalker? That’s funny. Seriously, I’m not a stalker. I’m gay. Yeah, I’m gay. So see you have nothing to worry about. A gay man wouldn’t care that you have a heart shaped birthmark on your ass.

How do I know that? You just told me, remember.

What’s my name? Pete. Pete Peterman. And you are? Right I forgot, your mail. Well I guess since we are done here I’ll go now. Again sorry for startling you.

Oh what’s that? Your dog. He’s so cute. Come here little guy. Quit licking my face, stop, that tickles. Snookems your such a good dog.

Huh? You want to know how I know his name? It says it right here on his tag.

Oh he’s not wearing a tag. Wait it will come to me. Now I remember, last month at the vets office I met this little pup.

No, I don’t work there. No, I don’t have a pet. I believe I was outside waiting for a bus and you walked by in that tight black mini-skirt, the one you wear without panties and you wore it with the white see through blouse, and matching lace 34D bra. Your hair was up that day.

After that you went to a your friend Dana’s and played Canasta, and sipped Long Island Iced Teas. Just the way you like them heavy on the Coke.

What was I doing there? Well, if I recall correctly, after you left the vets office you dropped your cigarettes, and I thought I’d return them to you. You don’t smoke? That’s funny, I could have sworn they fell out of your purse.

Woah look at the time. Gotta go.

Now you to can have Jesus baked into your breads.

http://www.jesuspan.com