Oh hi. Sorry didn’t me to startle you. I was hoping you wouldn’t see me. What am I doing? Nothing. Just making sure you screen is properly secure.

Why? Well I’m the local screen repairman. And I, um, well, was just walking by and noticed it needed tightening. Actually no, I didn’t notice this is a 2nd floor window. That explains why there was a ladder just sitting here. My bad. I’ll go now.

No, I didn’t see anything. You say you were changing? Nope, didn’t notice. I was so focused on this loose screen, I didn’t realize you were completely naked, oiling yourself up.

Please put down the phone. No don’t dial 911.

I’m not a stalker, honest, Claire. How do I know you name? Um, well, I found a piece of your mail while I was throwing away some trash. Me, a Stalker? That’s funny. Seriously, I’m not a stalker. I’m gay. Yeah, I’m gay. So see you have nothing to worry about. A gay man wouldn’t care that you have a heart shaped birthmark on your ass.

How do I know that? You just told me, remember.

What’s my name? Pete. Pete Peterman. And you are? Right I forgot, your mail. Well I guess since we are done here I’ll go now. Again sorry for startling you.

Oh what’s that? Your dog. He’s so cute. Come here little guy. Quit licking my face, stop, that tickles. Snookems your such a good dog.

Huh? You want to know how I know his name? It says it right here on his tag.

Oh he’s not wearing a tag. Wait it will come to me. Now I remember, last month at the vets office I met this little pup.

No, I don’t work there. No, I don’t have a pet. I believe I was outside waiting for a bus and you walked by in that tight black mini-skirt, the one you wear without panties and you wore it with the white see through blouse, and matching lace 34D bra. Your hair was up that day.

After that you went to a your friend Dana’s and played Canasta, and sipped Long Island Iced Teas. Just the way you like them heavy on the Coke.

What was I doing there? Well, if I recall correctly, after you left the vets office you dropped your cigarettes, and I thought I’d return them to you. You don’t smoke? That’s funny, I could have sworn they fell out of your purse.

Woah look at the time. Gotta go.